Tape Tree
Turn the tape over another time,
Record my voice until the singing whines.
when I’m battered and old and nearly free—
Please promise to lay me down by that
Big oak tree.
The singing haggled life like the bounding branches.
Hold my hand like the sunlight did—
High up there on that big oak tree
for it swung and twisted
Yellow hugged the warm brown tones
And the sticky green had grown jealous.
Jealous of the strong branches
That twisted with the sun,
Because the branches haggled with life and damn near won.
I really like this poem. It has a lot going for it. It has a formality to it's rhythm, and I noted the rhymes between lines 3 and 5, as well as in the closing lines, which form a couplet. In a very loose sense, the poem resembles a sonnet: 14 lines, loosely formal rhythm, ends with a couplet. For now, I only have a small suggestion: end line 11 with "envious" instead of "jealous," to pick up on the phrase "green with envy" in relation to the "the sticky green [that] had grown jealous."
ReplyDeleteThank you for reviewing my poem! I’ll take your suggestions to heart.
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