Red ribbon
eyes rimmed with red ribbons,
Satin grape juice and lime
Fed through, and tied
Whatever you’ll find inside
Is wrapped so tight,
I’ll cry
And though it’s habit to lie—
Pull the ribbon open,
Begging you to stay kind
Since my eyes are still
Caked up with rind
The shine looks distorted
From being tied so many times.
And when we say goodbye,
We’ll know that’s how we say:
To give with a red ribbon,
Is to leave and love anyway.
I really like this new poem. Do you remember what we discussed in class about poems that "give more than they take"? This is a poem that does that. It's clear and simple and capable within its intentions.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite parts are the parts that come to life inside my mind, because you use descriptive language that appeals to the senses. For example, I love "Pull the ribbon open, / Begging you to stay kind" That's tender and honest, and it create an image in my mind, like good poetry usually does.
The line that stands out the most as needing work is the flat line: "I'll cry." Not much to say about that line. It's just not as interesting as what comes before and after it. Also, it is really hard to effectively use tears and crying in a poem. We have all done this, but eventually we realize there are more original and effective ways of conveying sorrow than crying in a poem. I realize that you probably like the way the lines rhyme, but there are other ways to do this. If you show the conditions that create the sadness but leave the tears out, then the reader actually feels the sadness MORE for having left out the tears. We fill in the emotional blank with our own emotions. Not crying is sadder than crying.
The rhymes in the poem are mostly working for me, too. Lots of good stuff here. We will be discussing one of your poems in class soon.